Liquid Gold

There has been a story I have wanted to write about for some time now. Being on bed rest gives me a lot of time! So here it goes. Before we go any further be warned: this story pretty much talks about every bodily fluid! So be warned, it is not for the faint of heart.

Our first week in Shanghai, while our dear friend Krissy Mc Nabb (God bless you dear one!) was still in town, we all took a trip to the local hospital. Our kids both needed health checks as part of the Chinese preschool process. I did this with Miriam in Beijing and it was a simple finger poke (to check for AIDS and Hep B) and then we were sent on our way!

In Beijing we had the whole clinic sitting with mouths open- because my daughter can scream. And she can REALLY scream when she is getting her finger poked. Knowing this, I was really afraid of what to expect in Shanghai and when we should exactly tell her about the finger poke.

Well in the cab on the way there we break the news to her. Freaking out is putting in mildly. Nothing (and we tried all the bribes) would keep her from screaming. FYI- if Miriam needs to get her finger poked in the future tell her 1.3 seconds before it happens. The cab driver I am sure was happy to get rid of us as we pulled up to the hospital.

Anticipating a quick in and out I was in good spirits as all five of us descend into the Chinese Hospital. My hopes quickly ended as Joab talked to the check in clerk- explaining the round of tests Asa and Miriam were about to enter.

First they would both be accessed by a child development lady to see if they were up to stuff in terms of learning for their age (all in Chinese mind you), then height and weight, blood and urine test. I have to let you know while Joab was figuring all of this out Krissy, myself and kids were amusing ourselves by watching the floating babies.

Turns out this health check was in a maternity hospital. And the check in room was right next to where the babies float after they are born. I am just kicking myself I did not get any picture of these babies. I was too in shock that they were actually doing what I will now attempt to describe to take any photos.

In huge white flower pots the nurses would fill the water to about the same height as the baby. The either a pink (girl) or blue (boy) inter tube would be placed around the babies neck. The babies(naked) would then be placed inside the white flower pots so their feet could touch the bottom and their necks could float in the inter tubes on the top. Most of the babies were asleep which is kind of amazing considering all the Grandparents, Moms, Dad and Nurses were surrounding the pots taking flash pictures of the little guys. It is quite a sight to see floating baby heads in flower pots.

Thankfully the floating babies kept my kids entertained until we entered the first test-Child Development. The lady got into the room and showed Asa a book with all sorts of pictures in it. She wanted Asa to say what the objects were and then Joab would translate. First object ball- silence....then Asa speaks - Gecko. Gecko? Joab and I both look at each other. The lady turns the page it is a doll- Asa looks at Joab and says...Gecko. That's right my Arizona baby decided that all objects that day were going to be called Geckos. The lady asks in Chinese "What is a Gecko" Joab had no idea what Gecko is in Chinese! I was starting to freak out at this point, What if Asa fails? Will the questions be too hard- will he fail? Will Miriam fail?

Well the lady passed Asa. I guess she was happy he said anything at all. Of course Miriam did fine at her test and we were on to height and weight.

Miriam is now sensing that ladies in white coats might prick her finger. She starts to cry while people stare and wonder what are you doing to your kids? Somehow we make it crying and all through that and we go downstairs for the "poke".

In the elevator (Miriam freaking out crying the whole time) I ask Joab "Asa will not have to give a urine sample he is too little..right". "No," Joab says "To pass and go to preschool he has to complete the whole series of tests". Freak out number two happens for me- how in the WORLD is Asa my Gecko boy going to pee in a cup? But Miriam is freaking out so bad I have to attend to her.

Miriam just sees the blood station and all you know what breaks loose. Thankfully Krissy was there to deal with Gecko boy as it took Joab and me to hold her down for the finger poke. We pretty much had to whole blood department looking at us..I just wanted to go home so bad.

After tears were dried and treats doled I look at Joab and say "There is NO way Asa is going to pee in a cup". Joab the eternal China Optimist said "We are going to do this.". So with pee cup in hand, Miriam, Krissy and I head off to the bathroom. My heart drops twice when we enter, first there is no soap, second all the potties are squat potties. This basically means a hole in the ground- which is fine Miriam knows how to use this. It just means I have to get ground level to get any kind of pee sample. Thankfully Miriam had to go potty! But when she and I enter the tiny tiny stall she freaks out and starts walking out. Krissy then blocks the door and Miriam has no choice but to pee. We have a little talk while balancing her cute buns over the potty. I position my hand and get ready to catch it. Then the potty flushes- that is right an automatic squat potty. My hand, arm and Miriam's bum get covered in water. Cue Miriam freak out and I am about at the end of my rope. But hearing the water makes Miriam really want to go and so we position again...and we catch it! Victory!

I come out of the bathroom and talk to Joab about how it went with him and Asa. Surprise, surprise Gecko boy had no idea what peeing in a cup meant. And now Joab wanted me to try. Sure, why not! I am already covered in toliet water and pee. So Asa and I enter the tiny toilet room. I take diaper off and Asa actually holds the pee cup! Maybe he is getting ready to pee I think. In 0.23 seconds he has taken the pee cup and someone activated the automatic potty flush feature. It all seems like it is happening in slow motion, but my half naked 23 month old is playing in the potty water with the pee cup. I take wet Asa, leave the pee cup and storm out of the bathroom.

I am in full Mom freak out. "Forget it- Asa is NOT going to preschool if they think we can get him to pee in a cup!!!!" Joab calms me down and tells me to go sit with Krissy and the kids. Can I just personally thank Krissy for being there! I really needed her. Joab goes and talks to the ladies at the front desk.

He comes back and says, "Well, we have two choices. Either one of cheats and pees in the cup and we pretend it is Asa's pee or we go home and try to get Asa in a more relaxed setting to pee." All three of us seriously considering peeing in the cup for Asa. But we have no idea what they are checking for in the pee. And don't want adult pee to screw up his chances for a Chinese preschool education.

We get home scrub hard with soap and decide tomorrow morning we attempt the second round of peeing in the cup. Joab decides he will get up at 6 AM with Asa and pump him full of apple juice and let him run around without a diaper until he pees. He tells me I can sleep in! WOW best news I have heard all day.

Well, I wake up about 7:30 the next morning (and yes that is considered sleeping in our house) and feel like something is not right. I walk into the living room and see and extremely happy Asa with no diaper on and Joab chasing after him with a white cup. It seems every time Joab would come near with the cup Asa would run away from him. After 1.5 hours and 24 oz of pure apple juice Asa had not dropped one drop into the cup. Joab was beside himself.

Time for Mommy intervention. I told Joab that we are going to just have to let Asa pee a little bit on the floor and not try to always hold the cup underneath him. Also NO more apple juice! That is way too much!

After a few minutes of just letting him be- the liquid gold comes out and Joab could not be happier. We all sit down for breakfast excited that the kids can all attend preschool now! Then Asa starts the poop face and then we smell it.. All that apple juice was too much for him. Liquid poop is now descending not only down his leg, into his booster seat but onto the floor.

Joab is a quick Daddy moves unbuckles the booster seat and carries him booster seat and all into the bath tub. I start undressing him but the smell (and the stress of the last 24 hours did not help) makes me start to dry heave. I then have to let Joab take over as I throw up all my breakfast into the toilet.

Below is Asa and Joab with the Liquid Gold. Joab had to bike the sample back to the hospital that morning for testing.


Thankfully the kids passed what they needed to in their pee and have been enjoying Chinese preschool ever since.